Our guest articles are the pride and joy of the R4R Rag. They are our community’s voice and they help us speak to the one person who might need help, that we can’t reach.
Thank you to today’s author… These stories and these messages make a difference… one life at a time. If you have a story you’d like to share, please email us at hello@runningforresilience.com
Before we get started.
The R4R Podcast will reach double digits this Friday and without promising anything special, there’s some exciting changes in the works. If you’ve got any feedback or ideas on how we can be better, please let us know!
And one more thing…
Running on empty
How I found strength in my hardest season
A few years ago, my life was turned on its head.
Before this time, I had felt mentally very strong. I felt I could do anything and overcome anything. I had spent a lot of time on self-development over the years. I had achieved my fair share with work, volunteering, travel, family and friends. I felt happy, motivated and strong.
However, I did not know what was coming.
A series of unexpected losses, including losing both parents and my only remaining uncle — all in the space of 15 months — floored me. All deaths were unrelated and from natural causes. There were other deep losses in this time, related to personal relationships and with work. Suffice to say – it was a very hard patch of life.
Below I try to give a snippet of how this period looked for me, and the things I did to navigate it in one piece (and to navigate it at all).
My toughest experience
I can’t overstate it.
This was a very very hard period for me to get through. Easily the hardest phase for me. I have been a fan of Stoicism for a long time and still am, but even this felt overwhelming.
To give a flavour of what this phase was like… in the middle of it, I felt like all of my priorities, apart from surviving each day, went into the background. I simply had no energy for them.
Things like work, essential life admin, engagement and output all took a back seat. I would never have imagined the state I was in. I was unable to even watch TV or listen to the radio.
Each day was almost a state of survival.
Previously in life, I would have my weekly schedules planned out to extract the most out of each hour of the week. Everything, including time off, was to be as efficient as possible. However in this phase, days and weeks passed quickly in some sort of ‘grief fog’ where I was trying but had little energy or space to focus.
Key strategies when things were toughest
I know everyone is different. Grief is different. How people cope varies. I am not an expert in this space – but I believe some of the things I focused on can help others.
Gratitude
Practice gratitude. You always have things to be grateful for.
I am grateful for many things, even during this time. One aspect I am especially grateful for is my few closest, long-term friends who were there for me to long chats when I really needed it. I reached out as what felt like a last resort, and I am so thankful they had my back and made time to listen even in their very busy lives.
I am also grateful to my friends at R4R, and the R4R community more generally, for the welcoming, friendly and supportive space, and opportunity to share these words.
Be kind to yourself and others
It is important to be kind to others, but also to be kind to yourself. Don’t be too harsh on yourself if you slip up in any way.
For me this might be if I had a bad meal or two, or felt like I hadn’t achieved much. Give yourself space, but also keep the intention of wanting to progress and move forward. This more self-forgiving attitude was a different thought pattern for me.
Mini and micro goals – ‘Just do something’.
When the big goals get overwhelming, break them down into mini, or even very micro/short-term goals.
I am reminded of the story of Joe Simpson in the documentary Touching the Void, when he talks through his remarkable story of descending a mountain peak with a broken leg, solo, after a climbing mishap. He explains how he simply focused all his energy on the most immediate segment in front of him – maybe only moving a few metres at a time – and not getting overwhelmed by the bigger picture.
I could relate to aspects of this on the hardest days. For me, in the most extreme period, this was simply getting out of bed, or making it to the gym, just washing the dishes, or putting out the rubbish, or sorting some clothes. Things that would normally happen without thinking were, in this phase, the achievements of some days. I kept telling myself: “Just do something”.
A new project for focus
A new positive project, can be a way forward.
When trying to handle the loss in relationships (outside of the grief) I really wanted to find something that felt ‘new’ to focus on. I don’t know if this is a form of escape, or distraction but for me this felt ‘necessary’, and it took the form of starting to learning a difficult language. This became a major focus of my life for over two years. It felt rewarding, and I could move at the pace I could manage. I have since moved toward writing about this experience and what I have learned, to help others who might be interested in that language.
Always remember others might be doing it tough – and it isn’t always visible
Don’t think that you are the only one going through tough times, or that you have it tougher than others.
The reality is that with most people we meet, we only see a tiny fraction of how they are really going. Even people you might spend a lot of time with. Just appreciate that not everyone is always feeling 100% perfect! Realising and remembering this can make you feel a little less isolated. It can also be humbling in a good way.
One thing I’ve observed over the past few years is that it is hard to measure how hard someone else’s experience is, and it is folly to try and compare it to your own. Everyone is different. Their situations are different. How they cope, or don’t cope, is different. Some people are more private than others, and there are probably good reasons for that.
So I’ve tried to practice more self-awareness, patience, and much less judgement when interacting with others.
This whole experience has vastly deepened my openness to realising how important mental health is in our society. It’s also deepened the gratitude for the support that is around me, with R4R being part of that.
During the very hardest days, there were times when coming to R4R gave me a major boost in feeling welcomed, not isolated, and having a safe place. For me this was especially the case on very hard days around Easter and Christmas.
To me, it was almost like a safety net of support. I am grateful to R4R, and in particular the volunteers who are at all the sessions, who are so open and welcoming, and those driving the R4R purpose forward.
If I was to summarise the message from this blog: There is support around; face things one hour, and one day at a time when needed; try to listen; be kind to yourself (and others); and be grateful where you can.
Anonymous
(A member of the R4R community for a few years)