Not my day to die

An anonymous guest article

Isn't it funny, the day I wanted to die, a pretty significant day in anyone's life, I can't remember the date. I had to look it up...it was Saturday 25 January 2020.

I was bullied at work and something triggered it again and I started to slowly fall apart. It started with trouble sleeping and then just got worse. I started to have night time panic attacks, I would wake up with heart palpitations, shaking, tingly and scared. I also started shaking and sweating during the day at times. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I was a shell of the person I once was.

A few weeks passed and I just had this growing overwhelming feeling of being useless, helpless and not wanting to be on the earth anymore. I started tracing my nail up and down my wrist wondering how hard it would be just to do it. I had no real plan just random thoughts, what if I just drove into a tree?

You start to drown in the thoughts. I have a loving husband and 3 amazing children, I always thought taking your life was so selfish but it got to the point I thought it was selfish to stay. I was a hopeless wife, mother, friend and police officer. Everyone would be better off without me, they deserved better than me.

I did a suicide safety plan, I was that worried about how I was feeling. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it as it would just upset them, I didn't want to be an inconvenience.

On the evening of Saturday 25 January 2020, I finally told my husband all that I was feeling. He looked broken, at a loss as I didn't want him to do anything just listen. I could see he was scared. I told him he could call our Police Welfare Officer, that's when things changed.

The Welfare Officer came and took me to hospital and stayed until I was admitted. My husband also contacted my sister who lives interstate. These 3 people saved my life. It wasn't my day to die and I've had dark days since but survived each of those days too.

The saying 'the comeback is always bigger than the setback' has taken on a profound meaning for me. When I reached my lowest point, the love and support of my loved ones lifted me up. My husband and sister's selfless care, the generosity of friends, and the dedication of healthcare professionals were invaluable.

Diagnosed with PTSD and medically retired from the Police Force, I committed myself to recovery through intensive inpatient programs at South Coast Private Hospital. The support of psychologists and psychiatrists have been instrumental in my journey.

I'm incredibly grateful for the progress I've made. Volunteering, connecting with others, and learning new skills have been essential to my healing. I actively volunteer and serve on the boards of two Canberra-based not-for-profit organizations. I also contribute my time to my children's school and another charity. Beyond these commitments, I enjoy walks, have discovered a passion for sewing, and am currently learning Spanish.

The balance has shifted significantly, and I now experience far more good days than bad. My advice:

Don't hesitate to ask for help. It's a testament to strength, not weakness.