Living in the trenches of depression

An anonymous guest article

Sep 07, 2023

Welcome to the fourth edition of Guest Articles, where we continue to be community-led by handing the reins of the Rag over to someone from our community and where they’ll write about a topic of their choosing. The only requirement is that it strengthens our community or helps us achieve our goal of making Canberra suicide-free.

This week, we have another anonymous writer, and we encourage it. Whether you put your name to it or not, we want to hear your perspective.

Living in the trenches of depression

An unwell mind is like a busy intersection a continuous traffic circle of information that drives recklessly through our brains.

When you are experiencing grief and depression you are often held captive by what I call the paralysis of the mind.

In December 2021 I realized how I needed to get my physical health back on track. I had allowed the demands of work and a lack of sleep in the early years of being a mum to foster my insomnia and an unhealthy lifestyle of junk food Netflix weekends. I was being robbed of living a fulfilling life.

I looked in the mirror and the reflection wasn’t pretty. I was extremely overweight and depressed. I could hardly walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath.

I realized it was time to reinvent myself.

Some of the decisions I made at this time were drastic and impulsive and still cause me extreme pain, in particular my decision to leave my marriage, move away from Sydney’s beautiful northern beaches and start a new life in Canberra.

While the physical transformation has given me years back in my life, decisions made in a state of despair come at a huge personal cost and have caused my loved ones tremendous pain. I live with this guilt and regret every day.

The physical transformation was sudden and radical. The power of the mind to change oneself is an incredible force. It is a power that we all have the ability to harness and it is more powerful than any drug, therapy or yoga session. I am definitely not discouraging or discounting the benefits of personal trainers, mentors, health coaches or psychologists.

What I’m saying is that we have the power to decide to change.

Now changing our thoughts and taking control of our thoughts is much more difficult than changing our diets and exercise routines.

But I believe it is even more critical that we learn the discipline of controlling our thoughts.

It is a journey that I’ve only recently embarked on and with all journeys the start is the hardest part. We take a wrong turn, we crash, we don’t follow the map and we find ourselves lost and wanting to return to the safety of the known.

Depression isn’t simply just having a bad day or something that you can simply get over through positive thinking. It is a complex and debilitating disease. One I am still currently struggling to overcome.

I have always been an empath. I experience a wide range of emotions and feel the emotions of others.

However, although it is healthy to feel and have emotions, I am learning that just as athletes need to be disciplined in our exercise and maintain healthy nutrition it is vital that we take control and discipline the mind.

When I am running I have an internal monologue that motivates me along the way.

Keep going! You can do it! Pace yourself now! I am strong! I can do this!

Just keep moving! You are nearly at the end! Coffee and chats will be your reward!

We need to apply this running monologue in our daily life. In our relationships with others, at work, and addressing our demons.

We hold incredible power.

Our success as runners is often more mental than physical and so this principle of the great race should be applied to our daily lives.

Take control of your thoughts.

Don’t be a prisoner incarcerated by debilitating unhealthy thoughts. Our thoughts become our emotions, our emotions dictate our behavior.

Depression is a battle of the mind.

A soldier doesn’t go into battle without armor, weapons and his fellow soldiers to have his back.

When you find yourself in the trenches of depression the only way out is to accept that you are in the trench and keep moving through it. The journey to recovery will look different for everyone. But I believe it may be a multifaceted approach of adopting a healthy diet, regular exercise, meditation, and getting out into the community. All of this will take effort. The problem with depression is that you feel like isolating yourself and you don’t have any energy. If this resonates with you, seek help sooner rather than later.

Running for Resilience is a group that I have found that encourages me to turn up and just keep moving.

I still have a long way to go and my struggle with depression is real

I have many regrets and wish I could go back in time and do things differently

Perhaps not have taken such radical paths for change. But a sick mind seeks medicine often with life-altering consequences for one’s loved ones.

Divorce and suicide are often the casualties of a desperate mind.

But I have adopted Running for Resilience’s motto as my own.

Suicide prevention and mental health is a cause very close to my heart as I have and continue to navigate the dark waters of mental health challenges.

Just keep moving

I encourage you to join us every Monday Wednesday and Friday at the dock Kingston foreshore.

The R4R Rag

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