Let's meet Deana... again!

Re-meet the runners #16

Welcome to the 16th Re-meet the Runners, where we get to meet Deana.

Deana is an incredible woman and the depth of her thought that has gone into her answers, mirrors the depth of her caring nature. It was a pleasure to read these responses, and it’s a pleasure to call her a friend.

So without further ado, let’s meet Deana… again!

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How have you been?

This question led me to reflect on my time with the community.

My journey with R4R started at the same time I lost my relationship with my 2 beautiful teenage daughters, who I have not had contact with in nearly 2 1/2 years.

Running was already an important part of my overall health and wellbeing, and I heard from a friend about the group and its purpose which really resonated with me.

For around the first year at R4R I often had panic attacks while running, particularly if I thought of my girls and how we had got to this point, and if I tried to share where I was at with others.

I didn't do that very often, I usually found it too upsetting to talk about, and I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment if I did.

There are still only a handful of people who I have spoken to openly about my experience at R4R, but there are a few of them who have run beside me all this time, asked me how I am and listened to me, messaged and checked in with me if I didn't turn up, and have become close friends.

Being part of this group has helped me to survive my grief and loss. I have also been inspired by Matt and others in the group who have found a way to tell their story and share it, and to also find meaning and purpose by being able to volunteer for the community, reaching out to others to help them feel welcome and offer my support. 

I am still trying to find the words I want to say about my own story and the courage to share it, but I am really wanting something positive to come from my experience and situation. Should I ever see my beautiful daughters again, I want them to see my resilience and know that it is possible for us to overcome our experience, both individually and as mother and daughters.

So, how have I been - its been a roller coaster of grief and loss, but I am doing better than I was a few years ago. I have just kept moving, one step or run at a time, and built a life for myself without my girls. I've still achieved a lot and sure there is plenty more to come, I'm looking forward to the next chapter of my life.

Thank, you Deana. Knocked off any running events recently?

My last running event was the Wangaratta 10km Family Fun run in March. I've got another 4 events coming, including City2Surf.

What's been your highlight in the past two years?

The friendships I have made, the changes I have created in and for myself, feeling I belong to this community, and to be honest, that I made it through. There were certainly times where I wasn't sure that I would.

What's been your favourite thing about R4R since we met you the first time?

Watching it grow and change has been wonderful to witness and be a part of. Back then the Monday and Friday morning numbers were much smaller, and a number of events have been introduced over this time which are becoming a popular and regular part of the community calendar.

Your original answer to "what does resilience mean to you?" was:

To me resilience means courage, vulnerability, humility, empathy and strength. It is being able to have awareness and come to some peace and acceptance of where you are, asking for and allowing yourself to receive help, finding paths through and being grateful for the small things.

Do you still think your definition is the same? Would you change it at all?

No, I think this still stands.

Is there something you've learnt in the past two years that has helped you comprehend your previous struggles more that might shed light for others going through something? Have you endured/overcome something in the last two years?

• The last two years have been the hardest in my life. I'm not sure I can single out one thing that I've learnt, but I have learnt and overcome many things, perhaps the following might shed light:

• I feel safe for the first time in my life. I am able to express who I am and live my life without fear. The men who are leaders in R4R create a safe place for people to come, and attract similar people. Having a place to come where I can feel that way has meant the world to me.

• Shared lived experience is a powerful thing. I didn't speak to anyone about the issues I was facing for nearly 2 decades. I didn't really understand what was going on in my home was not OK. I didn't really know or believe I could follow another path. I didn't know the power of sharing your worries, thoughts and feelings, and not only gaining insights and perspectives to change things, but in finding human connection through that. I have not always got that right, some people I shared these with distanced themselves, others were full of judgement, but I could not have imagined the strength of connection, care and courage that I have also found through it. Being vulnerable and allowing yourself to be truly seen takes courage, and I have grown to really respect, encourage and support those who engage with it, including myself. Brene Browns research has resonated with me, her words on the power of vulnerability and daring greatly have really helped. Her parenting manefesto is a great guiding principle.

• The importance of holding and managing my boundaries, and choosing me as a priority. In the end I had to choose me over everything else. I had to choose life. I had to choose to live that life to the best of my ability and with great intention.

• To keep coming back to the things in my toolbox that work for me. Things like being in nature, gardening, meditation, craft, music, baths, cups of tea, massage, practicing gratitude, and cooking, sharing and eating great food prepared with love.

• I find hope in a bigger picture than myself and something that makes a difference to others. Being able to focus on this has given me the ability to move forward.

• Lifebook has also been a huge help, I've been part of that community for around 5 years, surrounding myself with others who are like minded and inspire and support me to live my best life, and keep taking that one step forward to not just survive, but to thrive.

There was a poem that really resonated with me that I thought I would share.

You don’t move on after loss, but you must move with. You must shake hands with grief, welcome her in, for she lives with you now. Pull her a chair at the table and offer her comfort. She is not the monster you first thought her to be. She is love. And she will walk with you now, stay with you now, peacefully. If you let her. And on the days when your anger is high, remember why she came, remember who she represents. Remember. Grief came to you my friend because love came first. Love came first.

Donna Ashworth - Wild Hope

You've been a massive part of the R4R community so far. How do you think we can achieve our goal of making Canberra suicide-free?

I think a big part of this is continuing to normalise and encourage people to have conversations and ask for help when things are tough. Giving people pathways and options of where they can get help. Bringing awareness to the different circumstances that might happen in life to move people down that path, and being supportive of and contributing to those organisations and groups who are trying to research, develop, support and improve services to those affected by them. It is also about equipping those around people who are struggling to get them to help.

I would like to raise awareness of parental alienation and let the community know of an upcoming Dads in Distress support group in Canberra on Wednesday 22 May. If you are a Dad struggling to have contact with your children this may be for you.

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Parents Beyond Breakup is a group that provides support for Mums, Dads and Grandparents in distress from contact with their children/grandchildren. For more details please go here PBB - Parents Beyond Breakup.

Also see Eeny Meeny Miney Mo Foundation - Parental Alienation, Education (emmm.org.au). Every child has a right to a meaningful relationship with both parents, and parents are expected to encourage and support that relationship.

Parental alienation is a strategy whereby one parent intentionally displays to the child unjustified negativity aimed at the other parent. The purpose of this strategy is to damage the child's relationship with the other parent and to turn the child's emotions against that other parent.

Suicide rates for those experiencing parental and family alienation is very high. Its quite a complex area and there is not a lot of knowledge, services or education in Australia to assist people experiencing this type of abuse.

The Governments National Plan to End Violence against Women and Children 2022-2032 was announced on 17 October 2022 and there has been a lot of work in this space since then, including the instigation of the Domestic, Family and Sexual Violence Commission, 1800RESPECT, and a focus on coercive control.

It is my desire to improve the services available, reduce the occurrence of these situations, and the mental health issues and suicide rates as a result. But for today, we just keep moving, together.

You are a legend, Deana. Thank you.

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Rugby for Resilience

At R4R tonight, any rugby fans will be in for a treat! Make sure to stick around after the run and enjoy the leadup to this weekend’s grudge match.